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Monday, May 22, 2006, 8:54 am

Ted Koppel: Horribly Unfunny Comedian Or Another Poster Boy For “Rumsfeldian Dementia”

By Brian Zick

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Ted Koppel is either one of the absolute worst comics in the world, who is totally devoid in comprehension of how to build a joke so that people actually laugh because they think it's funny, or he is certifiably insane.

The staff at E&P report on Koppel's editorial recommendation to hire "latter-day Hessians" to fight wars.

Dear Ted.
Please allow me to introduce you to Custer Battles. They are one of those "latter-day Hessian" companies that you think are such a good idea. And I'd also like you to learn a little more about Blackwater too. They happen to be involved in a court case, wherein they don't want to adequately compensate the families of the "latter-day Hessians" they hired, who infamously were killed in Iraq. Legal experts say that U.S. law doesn't fully govern such "latter-day Hessian" contractors.

But maybe you are already well acquainted with these hideous abominations, and so you thought you'd make a funny editorial, because it would be plainly obvious that nobody in their right mind could possibly recommend such catastrophes-waiting-to-happen as a matter of routine military outsourcing, the irony of recommendation being the element of witty humor with which you intended to amuse the public.

Alas, it is impossible to tell whether the problem is quite minor, in that you are just an awful jokester, or that you suffer frighteningly serious mental defect.

I encourage you either to put in some time studying comedy, or, perhaps more important, to find a really good therapist for some very much-needed counseling.

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