Apparently Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois) has jumped on the "with us or against us" bandwagon, saying that a victory for Kerry would be a victory for the terrorists. And when John Edwards objected? Hastert advised him that he should spend more time defining the Kerry campaign, rather than attacking Republicans.

Is it just me, or didn't Hastert just take the time to attack them? And, wait, didn't 9/11 happen on the Republicans' watch?

This maddening double-take illogic is the exact sort that insecure grade-school bullies use to befuddle smarter but less vindictive foes. Rather than trying to explain the contradictions--or even label them as "W for Wrong," I suggest that the Kerry campaign hire on some fourth-grade advisors to whip up appropriate new slogans:

Kerry/Edwards '04:

I Know You Are, But What Am I?


Oh Yeah, Well Your Butt Stinks!


Your Momma Supports Terrorists


I'm Rubber and You're Glue


[Loud Farting Noise]

Of course, we all know, the only way to stifle a bully is a sound public beating by a seemingly weaker opponent. Now when was that first debate again?