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Loose Ships 8.1
Canada was just trying to make a few extra bucks by selling for scrap two old navy destroyers, the Kootenay and the Restigouche, to a man from Florida. But they may inadvertently have transformed Richard Crawford into a military power: The Canadian navy somehow forgot to remove a 10-foot tall, eight-barreled anti-submarine launcher from one of the ships. So far, the destroyers remain docked at a base in British Columbia; Crawford refuses to allow the navy on board to make sure they haven't left anything else behind. "It was not clear exactly what Crawford intended to do with the destroyers," Reuters reports. "But [a Defense Department] official said the vessels would not be allowed to leave Canadian waters before any sensitive equipment was removed or rendered inoperational."
Powder Keg 7.2
Jesse Helms, who always seems to have more than his share of things to worry about, has uncovered a new threat to Western Civilization: Senators who like pancake makeup better than pancake breakfasts. "There are some senators who wear makeup most of the day because they are on television," U.S. News and World Report quoted the fusty reactionary. "It is just ridiculous." Apparently, Helms is nostalgic for his early years in the Senate, when politicians powdered their wigs instead of their faces.
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Credit: Terry Laban |
Judgment Day 7.6
Life for heroin addicts is not exactly a bed of poppies. But it's just gotten a little bit tougher: In a recent speech in Brisbane, Australia, TV's Judge Judy dismissed needle-exchange programs designed to prevent the spread of AIDS among intravenous drug users as the brainchild of "liberal morons." Apparently she has her own notions of how needle exchanges should work. "Give them all dirty needles and let them die," she exclaimed to cheers from the audience, according to Australia's AAP General News. Ironically, she was in Australia promoting her book Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever.
Death Bad, Residents Say 6.2
Headline from the front page of the Chicago Tribune metro section on Nov. 30: "Triple Slaying Angers Residents." You see, they were going for four.
David Futrelle is a contributing editor of In These Times.
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In These Times ©
1999
Volume 24, Number 3 |