A Memo From the Desk of Billionaires For Bush

To: Ruth Liss, Horace P. Greedy, C. Bill Press, Chicago Chapter, Billionaires for Bush
From: Sir Harris Tocracy, President, Chicago Chapter Billionaires For Bush
Subject: Celebration and agenda for the next four years

**CLASSIFICATION: TOP SECRET/BILLIONAIRES’ EYES ONLY**

This was a close one. What great foresight to launch that electronic, touch screen voting venture. And to think that Walden O’Dell chap, the CEO of Diebold, isn’t even one of us. A mere millionaire. Not for long. Wally has learned what we Billionaires know: an investment in the right government officials pays enormous dividends.

CORONATION CELEBRATION:

Reserve your tickets now for George W. Bush’s Coronation Ball (public term: ​“Inaugural Ball”). Get ready to shake down your employees to raise the funds to provide the sort of lavish no-holds barred blowout this occasion deserves. 

Billionaires will be able to take part in many special Bill-only activities.

Contribution Premiums:

Prospector: $250,000: a lap dance from a Congressional Intern on the floor of the House of Representatives (Senate an additional $50,000)

Cowboy: $500,000: two complimentary tickets to the super exclusive Cabinet members Jell-O Wrestling Match

Gunslinger: $750,000: Complimentary makeover by Karl Rove’s personal hairstylist and tailor

AGENDA: THE NEXT 4 YEARS

Billionaires made great strides these last four years. The Forbes 400 lists 313 Billionaires this year — up 51 from last year! In addition, we’ve been successful in increasing the gap between the ​“haves” and the ​“who cares.” We, the ​“haves,” are the top 1 percent of the U.S. population yet own 60 percent of the stock and 40 percent of total wealth. The ​“who cares” have steadily lost their jobs, making them pliable, afraid and, as ​“temps,” willing to work for next to nothing.

But there’s more work to be done. Although Project Jeb proceeds apace, we must plan long term. It’s unclear how much longer the American masses will remain distracted with reality TV shows featuring members of their class willing to eat their own feces for paltry monetary payouts.

Our most important goals for the upcoming term:

ITEMS 1 — 4: Tax work, not wealth!*

* Our minions in Washington did splendidly the last four years, giving American households earning over $1 million tax cuts averaging $123,000. But American wealth remains shackled by the burden of excessive taxation. While wage slaves (public term: working Americans) slide by paying only an aggregate 23 percent of their wages in taxes, wealth continues to be punished at an aggregate 10 percent tax rate! How can we be expected to generate all the minimum wage jobs these ingrates will need if 10 percent of our returns are taken from us? And for what? Public schools? Libraries? Community centers? It’s high time we stopped throwing good money at bad people. Capital is the lifeblood of the capitalist system and if the masses want the blood to keep flowing they must pay for it. 

* For the second term of the Bush dynasty (public term: the ​“presidency”), we make the following demands:

• zero taxation on wealth and investment income.
• total abolishment of the estate tax now.
• have the American government grant a tax refund on all investment and interest income. [Details of our plan can be found in our proposed Leave No Billionaire Behind Tax Act of 2005.]

ITEM 5: War, war and more war

Afghanistan and Iraq guarantee lucrative government contracts for generations to come. The government is buying our tanks, our aircraft and, sometimes, our protective body armor for the troops.

Action Plans:

• Continue to sell the government our bombs to destroy Iraq and then have the taxpayers pay us to rebuild it!
• Iraq is now open to foreign investment (ours!): capitalize on this potentially lucrative market now, while stocks are still low.
• Next stop: Iran!

ITEM 6: Social control

(or: we’re here, we’re rich, get used to it)

Roll out PATRIOT ACTs 2, 3, 4, & 5. USA PATRIOT ACT 1 was a good start toward providing the total secrecy a ​“democratic” government needs to operate efficiently. PATRIOT ACT 5 will make it illegal to mention PATRIOT ACTS 1, 2, 3 & 4.

Expand the programs we have put in place to control what the vast American public reads, sees, hears, says, eats, drinks and buys. We saw in this election season the specter of free and unfettered political discussion begin to rear its ugly head. Such a development represents a grave danger when exercised by those unqualified to do so: e.g., anyone earning under $1 million per year (public term: American citizen).

Remember, we cannot doubt the ability of a few dedicated billionaires to alter the course of history. Indeed, it is the only thing that has.

Caution: destroy this memo after reading. Not for public consumption.