Help Wanted

Matt Isaac

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While the economy and the job market continue to stagnate, there seems to be no shortage of odd jobs advertised on, the nonprofit bulletin board that offers free online classified ads in San Francisco, New York, and 20 other cities. What follows is a sampling of recent job postings, a snapshot (perhaps someday of historical interest) of the New York area’s labor environment circa May 2003.

Seeking X-ray of swallowed foreign object for game show—make $500! (Manhattan)
Have you ever swallowed a foreign object and then had a stomach X-ray that shows what you swallowed? If so, an exciting new reality game show wants you to play along with our wacky panelists! If booked, you will receive $500 for your appearance on the show. Must be located in or able to reach Manhattan. No transportation is provided. Please email and put X-RAY in the subject line. Also, please include in the message your name, age, object you swallowed, and how to best reach you during the day and at night. THANK YOU!

Cut my bike lock (Greenpoint)
Please free my bike. The lock: Kryptonite Pad-Lock style (silver, classic, with two holes on the back NOT the cylindrical Yellow serious style) or cut a link in the Kryptonite chain. A giant pair of Bolt cutters may be all that is needed. $15 for what it takes.

I need a cool chick or two (NYC area or Jersey)
Alright, I’ll try to make this as unflakey as possible. I have a Web site that is about to go online. It’s being designed by someone I found on craigslist. It is a parody/funny ha-ha site. I need a girls to model for 2 pics on the site. Now before you decide I’m a sicko, hear me out. There is no nudity. The name of the site is If you type that in it won’t take you to the page yet. The whole parody/funny ha-ha thing is that the Web site will be devoted to “wild and sexy girls who go WILDER … that’s right … Gene Wilder, the actor.” What I need is a “before” pic of you looking like yourself, hopefully somewhat easy on the eyes, then the “after” pic with you dressed like Gene Wilder. What’s in it for you??? I don’t know. I could throw you a couple bucks. Notice the word couple. I’m open to anything. Go to the link and let me know what you think. It’s not totally done yet, it’ll have a page to buy shit and everything … well you see. Get back to me a.s.a.f.p. …

Clean our floor (Jersey City)
We just moved into a new apartment, and our floor is covered in an unidentified sticky substance. I’ll give somebody $50 to clean the floor thoroughly this weekend.

Elvis impersonator $100 (North Plainfield, NJ)
Hi. I need an Elvis impersonator to play a bridal shower THIS SATURDAY. You provide costume, music, etc. We’d like you to perform around 5:30 pm, but that’s flexible. Your performance would probably be taped by Buff Brides, a reality TV show airing nationally starting in the fall.

Amateur female bodybuilders (New York, NY)
Seeking amateur female bodybuilders to wrestle men. will pay up to $500 dollars per session. all ages and races and shapes and sizes, but must be amateurs—from beginners (just starting out) to veterans (never placed high enough). this is your chance to make incredible money AND assert your dominance over the opposite sex … stupid men. there is no sexual content allowed. None whatsoever! i know it sounds a little weird that men want to wrestle women, but they are out there. this is a gold mine. NY, NJ, CT, LI please reply. if you are looking for some extra cash … great extra cash, please respond to the above address yesterday. thank you

Need an overweight Caucasian female for a TV documentary (Manhattan)
KBS, Korean Broadcasting System, the biggest television broadcasting company in South Korea, is seeking one overweight Caucasian female in her twenties for a documentary about abdominal obesity

Easy odd job (82nd/York)
This job is perfect if you have an hour on your hands and you do not easily get grossed out. This sounds a bit strange, but there has been a slight, but weird odor in one of my storage cabinets. I am looking for someone to come in ASAP and go between the cabinets and clean it out. You may probably have to pry the wood open, but it looks like a simple task. It’s a really small space (2x3), and I could probably do it myself, but I’m afraid of what I might find. I believe that it is probably rotten food from the prior tenant, but one can never be too sure (dead mouse?). If you’re interested in making a quick buck, email me.

Casting overweight & middle age men (NYC, LI, NJ)
Photography student looking for Overweight and Middle Age Men to pose for various Photoshoots. Must be willing to pose nude or semi-nude. Paying job $100 others free prints. Accepting replies for a series of photographs. Please reply with an image, headshot, snapshot, etc. Thanks for your interest.

Can someone help me install a window A/C unit? (Upper west side)
I need someone to help me install a window A/C unit. Unit can be lifted by one person—it just needs to be secured in window. Please let me know your availability and what you would charge. I’m on the upper west side, near Columbia.

Need living statues for loft party (Manhattan)
Can you stand still for long periods of time and pretend that you are a statue? I’m having a party and I’m looking for a few people to do this. I would help find the costumes and would help with make-up. You will have to wear body paint so you look like you are made of marble, bronze, or plaster. It will be a lot of fun, you get to attend a cool NYC artist loft party, and you can take frequent breaks. This is NOT a sex party. It is a fun themed costume art party. Having been a living statue or art model before is a plus. some ideas …

  • JUSTICE?A woman with one breast bare holding a scale.
  • THE KISS?A couple holding each other while naked
  • Michelangelo’s DAVID?nude male in contrapasto pose
  • MANIKIN PIS?the Belgium boy who pees in fountain (must be a smallish boyish person for this one)
  • BACCHUS?God of wine, holding grapes
  • LEDA AND THE SWAN?woman holding a swan, nude
  • THE DYING SLAVE?nude male with arms up
  • THE ETERNAL IDOL?need a nude couple
  • CUPID male, draped, with wings
  • PAOLINA BORGHESE?elegant nude reclines on sofa
  • THE THREE GRACES?3 nude women in a classic pose or let me know if you have your own idea.
PAY?We can only pay $25 per person and we’d like you to pose on and off throughout the evening. You are also allowed to have a tip basket and you can keep anything you make from tips. It might be a good thing to have on a performer’s resume. You can bring along friends and a photographer if you like. We will need to see a .jpeg photo(s) of you in a pose but don’t worry about the costume at this point.

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Matt Isaac founded Perimeter Media + Culture Projects, which presents media arts and cultural programs and festivals in New York.
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