Making Lemons out of Lemonade

TRANSCRIPT:
CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCEMENT
SCHADENFREUDE HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, D.C.

11.4.04, 2 PM EST

(Applause)

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks, Bob. Kelly, up there in the rafters. Thank you for that. All right. Thank you.

(Applause surges)

Again, thank you. Again, Kelly. Yes. We did it. That’s great.

(Applause settles)

Thank you. Thank you to our listeners, thank you to our supporters, and thank you to the American people who’ve worked so hard in this campaign. We’ve spent the last year and a half writing and performing a sketch comedy radio show to pinpoint, disfigure, juxtapose and warp the many flaws of the Bush administration, and it’s culminated in this great victory — another four years of the same jokes, jabs and political comedy.

We’ve continually strived to be the least reputable, most partisan source of comedy in Chicago — and we feel honored and grateful to have had the opportunity to work alongside you, the American people, to discover and evaluate the flaws, holes, distortions, claims and inner mechanisms of what may soon be known as the worst administration in this history of our great nation.

For that opportunity, we thank you.

We’re also thankful for the occasion to continue in this effort with integrity and valor for another four years.

With the reelection of President George W. Bush, we’re now able to refinance our collective mortgage on cynicism and irony … to celebrate the caricatures within the cabinet, administration, Supreme Court and Republican House … and to hail and rejoice in another four years of taking easy stabs at idiotic and obvious targets.

As Senator John Kerry said in Wednesday’s concession speech, Americans now ​“must join in common effort, without remorse or recrimination, without anger or rancor.”

We hereby pledge to join this union.

We pledge to tell you that though President Bush will now serve another term, his inability to explain the never-ending War on Terror will remain steadfast.

We pledge to tell you that President Bush’s failed administration, flawed management, and complete and utter fallout as a leader has given unprecedented power and influence to Karl Rove, a political strategist whose career should have peaked as a regional manager for Kinko’s.

We pledge to tell you that the new triumvirate of Misters Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld is no different than the Axis of Evil they so often decry.

We pledge to be grateful for another four years of the Bush administration, because we haven’t had enough time to write sketches about tax cuts, Ms. Condi Rice, or Mr. Andy Card.

Who is Andy Card? You can count on us to find the answer, and to convey that information in an insulting, unfair and skewed manner.

And although we found John Edwards to be an exciting source of new material, that opportunity must now placed in the hands of some local North Carolina comedy troupe to lampoon and ridicule their former Senator’s faux smile and ridiculous Hitleresque thumbs-up, arm raised poses.

Finally, friends, as the government of the most powerful nation in the world prepares to replicate the past four years, we pledge to repeat our slanderous view of that very institution.

All because we believe in a brighter tomorrow … in growing opportunity … and in you. That’s our pledge … to you.

Thank you. You can clap now.

(Applause rises)

Thank you.