Race to the Bottom

Some real-time reaction from the debates, swiped from my full-time gig as Wonkette. Let’s start with the ​“Squabble in the Gables,” now thoroughly masticated by the mainstream press.

Gee, that was incredibly predictable. Except for that part when Bush called Kerry a ​“good dad.” As you know, Kerry eats babies. Kerry managed to not contradict himself within the space of a single sentence. 

Bush succumbed to vapor lock a couple of times but everyone knows that just makes him seem like a normal guy. If Bush was listening to some kind of radio signal, it was between stations.

Cleveland, Ohio

9:10 Cheney: ​“I have not suggested there’s a connection between Iraq and 9/11.” Yes! And watch these monkeys fly out of my ass! 

9:23 Bush-Cheney’s global test: You must be able to beat up Howard Dean. Dean poses a terrorist threat. We’re pretty sure we saw him trying to set his shoes on fire during Letterman last night. 

10:07 Gwen is really into asking if Dick or John feels ​“personally attacked.” Is this a debate or an encounter group? How’s she going to end this thing? ​“OK guys … HUG!”

10:14 ​“I have not heard those numbers with respect to African-American women,” says Cheney: See, we don’t pay that much attention to African-American women in this administration. … I mean, we have Condoleezza!

Postscript Dick Cheney said ​“factcheck​.com” not ​“factcheck​.org” and —ha! ha! — factcheck​.com was briefly changed after the debate to point to George Soros’s site. Oh, God. We’re dying. It’s like … wait, wait: There’s a word for it! Irony. And, what’s the word for the vice president telling a bald-faced lie that’s cost the lives of more than 1,000 Americans and thousands of Iraqis?

St. Louis, Missouri

9:03 Kerry pats Bush on the back! Checking for that wire…

9:09 Is it just me, or does Bush get more drawly when he’s talking to, uhm, ​“a whole bunch of folks”?

9:14 Global test! Global test! Global test! Bush is so psyched. He’s going to start jumping up and down and clapping his hands if someone asks about ​“frivolous lawsuits.”

9:27 Bush is grinding his teeth into stumps. Oh, fuck: ​“That answer almost made me want to scowl.” … Uhm. Yeah. I mean, that joke bombed. Bombed like a bad war.

9:39 The voice in his ear just told him to speak more quietly.

9:47 Kerry is the first presidential candidate in history to go out of his way to remind people he’s a lawyer.

9:49 Bush just called Kerry ​“Kennedy.” He wishes. (Both of them.) 

10:10 Did the President of the United States really just ask Charlie Gibson if he ​“needed wood”? Where’s Bob Dole when you need him?

10:21 Ha! Bush said he’d choose judges based on whether or not they’d vote for him! Ha! Ha! Funny because it’s true.

10:30 Dad writes in with his summation: ​“Kerry waxed Bush’s ass.” And you wonder how I turned out this way.

Tempe, Arizona

9:09 Kerry is all about hunting and KILLING terrorists. But will he torture them? Will he rip off their heads and shit down their necks? I just don’t think he’s sincere.

9:11 Awesome: The President hasn’t gotten a flu shot…because of frivolous lawsuits.

9:12 ​“A plan is not a litany of complaints.” No, a plan is a series oversimplified slogans and focus-grouped sound-bites!

9:39 Schieffer says that Kerry has a ​“massive plan.” Yes … you can tell by the size of his hands.

10:00 No Child Left Behind is really a jobs act, says Bush. Of course. And Social Security is really a missile defense program. And Federal Highways funding? Actually a part of the Metric Conversion Office. And clean coal legislation helps you make soup.

10:17 Bush can ​“feel” when people pray for him. It’s like frottage.

10:25 Bush: ​“I love the strong women around me.” As many as possible. As long as possible. 

Well, that was exciting — now, all that’s left is to see who wins the New York Press’ Quadrennial Election Hack Invitational, a search for America’s worst campaign journalist. 

Oh, yeah, and that thing we meant to do on November 2.