Weary of those gamey old wars in Iraq and Afghanistan left over from the Bush/Cheney slaughterhouse? Here’s a fresh recipe to help President Obomba embark upon new and immoral wars. One of his own making, without partisan conflicts—perhaps against those Pakistani infidels, those ugly Iranians or the piratical Somalis. Wars to reaffirm U.S. machismo and doubts about this executive's manhood.
This gold label recipe has been aged continuously since the Reagan era. Its common ingredients will destabilize and destroy any country by creating an unsustainable social order. It’s not your conventional Shock and Awe blow ‘em back to the stone-age formula. This battle tested stew takes careful preparation and cooking time, but it’s a surefire five-star winner, certain to make any new invasion the envy of the season and talk of the Hamptons.
Midsummer's War Banquet
Yield: Serves up to two invasions simultaneously.
Ingredients:
5 über banks to big to fail
17,000 half-baked lobbyists (*a)
$2.48 trillion saturated tax cuts (*b)
Five decades of evaporated media
14,560 hours of condensed advertising (*c)
Large dose of hypocrisy to taste
10,000 miles of thick cut highways to boneless suburbs
300 million diced, sliced and fleeced consumers
A dash of special Crawford Ranch BBQ sauce
81 repetitions of “God Bless America”
One shredded Constitution
2,600,000,000 gallons of BP crude oil (*d)
12 million undocumented workers
Directions
To begin, preheat your “clean nuclear” (actual Obomba description) microwave to 12,000 degrees centigrade. When it begins to glow a purplish green, you’re ready to begin.
Mix together in a brown paper bag the 5 über banks and $1 trillion in one-dollar, unmarked bills.
Add generous tax right-offs, environmental loopholes and first amendment rights to your S & P 500 largest corporations.
Stir in your 17,000 half-baked lobbyists and saturated tax cuts and place in the nuclear microwave and bake to a financial meltdown.
Cool contents with clean river water (residual fish kill an optional ingredient). Then add the evaporated media.
Combine the condensed advertising and the large dose of hypocrisy, a must for any trendy occupation.
Spread contents over your highways, suburbs and consumers. Marinate.
BBQ the filling on a skewer with the 81 repetitions of “God bless America” smothered in special Crawford Ranch sauce available at Wal-Mart.
For the final touch, sprinkle on the shredded Constitution.
Serving suggestions
Whip the crude oil dipping sauce into a froth.
For les piece de resistance, deport the 12 million illegal aliens to serve this banquet on little red cocktail napkins al fresco to your newly chosen enemy with a Taittinger, 1998 Comtes de Champagne Blanc de Blancs, Reims.
Bon appetit!
*a Number of registered lobbyists in Washington D.C.
*b Total value from 2001-2010 of tax cuts enacted by George W. Bush and Congress from 2001-2006. 52.5% goes the top 5% of earners.
*c Number of hours of advertising U.S. children are exposed to by age 12
*d Current estimate as of mid-June.
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