Lucinda Rosenfeld, Slate’s friendship advice columnist, hit a new low in her latest column when she implied that a woman invited abuse by being a good-for-nothing sponge with no self-respect. A reader sought absolution from Rosenfeld for dumping an old friend who had “lost her entire self” to an abusive boyfriend. The reader reported that her friend, Carly, had sacrificed her career and her independence to be with Fred, who now supports her. To make matters worse…
More recently, she told me she and Fred haven’t had sex in months (and these two are in their 20s!) and that he brings OTHER women home to their apartment late at night while Carly is asleep! Things she also said made me think he might be physically abusing her, though I have no proof.
I’m reproducing Rosenfeld’s answer in its entirety, because you wouldn’t believe me if I paraphrased it:
Dear UEF, It’s a sad truth that not everyone strives to be self-reliant. Some prefer to spend their lives leaning on others. Of course, the being taken care of often comes with a price — like having to pretend you’re asleep when your caretaker brings home other women to have sex with in the living room. (Or does he do it right on the bed, next to her? The mind boggles.) In any case, as you say, Carly is an adult. She chooses to continue with the arrangement — just as it’s your choice whether you want to be friends with her. Assuming that you’ve told her you can’t bear to see her living like this — and that a cheating boyfriend with whom she doesn’t even have sex is not much of a bargain, even if he’s paying the rent — I don’t think you need to feel guilty about cutting her off.
The irony here is that I suspect Fred is trying to do the same. (I know that if I found a half-dressed woman eating cornflakes at my breakfast table, I’d take it as a message to start packing!) That’s not to excuse the guy’s behavior. But unless he’s a true psycho who gets off having a punching bag in his life — it’s hard to weigh your suspicion of physical abuse without more information — what is he even getting out of the arrangement?! You can cross sex, money, and intimacy off the list. Moreover, if Fred ever actually succeeds in dumping Carly, he’ll be doing her a favor. The transition to single life might be hard for her, but she might also learn something about a) self-reliance and, just as importantly, b) self-respect.
Whatever else Carly’s boyfriend is doing to her, he’s emotionally abusing her by sneaking other women into their apartment for sex. Her friend suspects that he’s physically abusing her as well.
Rosenfeld and I agree that Fred’s trying to send Carly a message with this whole fucking-other-women-in-the-apartment shtick. We even agree on what that message is, namely, “You’re worthless, bitch.”
However, Rosenfeld assumes that Fred is playing mind games with Carly because she’s a no-good sponge with zero self-respect who is denying him his rightful return on investment. She even implies that Fred is doing Carly a favor by encouraging her to stand on her own two feet. Frankly, Rosenfeld’s theory sounds like something you’d expect to hear from an abuser, as opposed to an advice columnist.
I would suggest an alternative hypothesis: Carly is dependent upon Fred because Fred is an abuser and abusers are notorious for forcing their victims into dependency.
Maybe Carly is dependent on Fred because he wants it that way. Maybe she lacks self-respect because Fred is fucking other women in their apartment and she’s powerless to do anything about it because she’s completely dependent on him. That would wear down anyone’s self-esteem. Maybe she’s dependent because Fred has isolated her from her friends and pressured her to sideline her career, both classic abuser moves.
The reader’s description of Carly losing her entire self to Fred is a huge red flag for abuse.
Maybe the reader was right to break up with Carly “for her own sanity” after Carly lashed out at her in public. Then again, maybe she’s making a terrible mistake. Even if these two can’t be in contact right now, the reader should at least make it clear that she’s prepared to help if Carly decides to get out.
Rosenfeld should have suggested that Carly’s apparent bad choices might not be choices after all. Instead, she jumped to the conclusion that Carly is a loser and practically ordered the reader to cut her loose
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