Dear ITT Ideologist,
I’m a pedestrian Presbyterian entering my golden years. I’ve been considering adding pizazz to my piety by moving to a Sun Belt fundamentalist community upon retirement. Could you capsulize the offerings of the various faiths to help me in my choice?
Dee Liverme,
Hope, Ark.
Dear Dee,
Though my expertise in ecstatic realty is less than divine, I’m happy to be of theosophic assistance. There are three main fundamentalisms: Islamic, Hebrew and Christian. As someone interested in an inspired living arrangement, you will be happy to learn that all offer retirement real-estate opportunities.
The Islamacists are excited about the renewal of Caliphate Acres, which once boasted gated communities from Spain deep into Asia. The Hebrew prospectus focuses on Eretz Estates, which includes all the parcels from the Nile to the Euphrates that the Lord promised to the seed of Abraham in Genesis 15:18. The Christian offering is far out, indeed. It contemplates the condemnation of Earth through eminent domain, with all of its owners, renters, lessees and squatters evicted by way of arson. A chosen few will be spared to take up residence at the exclusive Sky Club at the Raptures, an extremely tall high-rise condo.
In these troubled times, I feel obliged to inform you that these are all highly speculative ventures. Then, of course, there are various covenants. The Islamacists forbid use of the pool by those wearing only bathing suits. The Hebrews bar contact with elevator buttons and light switches on the Sabbath. Sky Club at the Raptures prohibits occupancy by florists, interior designers and hair stylists.
Dear ITT Ideologist,
My Aunt Avida always says that it’s as easy to find a rich sweetheart as a poor one. I was thinking that since the Supreme Court has now reiterated that corporations are people, I might like to settle down with one and issue little dividends. But I’m not sure how to meet one. Can you help me?
Valentine D’Acquisito
Reno, Nev.
Dear Valentine,
Though matchmaking is not my box of chocolates, I can help to launch cupidity’s arrow in your direction. Good places to meet prospects are tax havens like Delaware and the Cayman Islands. How to hook up with a candidate for merger is a bit trickier. Despite what the court says, corporations are not corporeal, let alone touchy-feely. Though they are not flesh and blood, you can have sex with them – in the sense of being screwed. If you do start keeping company with a corp, don’t expect loot at first sight.
SPECIAL DEAL: Subscribe to our award-winning print magazine, a publication Bernie Sanders calls "unapologetically on the side of social and economic justice," for just $1 an issue! That means you'll get 10 issues a year for $9.95.
