Dear ITT Ideologist: Tea-Timers and Conservocrats in Debit City

Dear ITT Ideologist,

What is it with Americans? I’m shy nearly a bil. My casinos are tapped out. I’ve still got excavations instead of elevations at my high-rise projects. In the last two years, I laid off enough construction people to rebuild Rome. (Hey, that’s an idea. I could do it in Beijing. You know, like a Gladiators vs. Mongols theme.) The only dough I bring in is from that crappy TV show. In other words, I am in the hole huge. And I mean HUGE! But I still live like King Tut, or whoever that Midas guy was. I have to keep a half dozen shluggers on the payroll just to shoo off the bimbos. I’m not worrying. What goes around comes around. But what about these tea-timers and conservocrats? Always bawling about debt, like there’s something wrong with it. What are they, Glen Franklins with the piggy banks? Penny a day, my ass. Vig is what makes America vital. When are they gonna step up? If it was up to me, I’d fire them all.

–D. Trump, New York

Dear DT,

You make a good point, your hairness. A lot of Americans lived on Alfred E. Newman Avenue in Debit City long before the economy tanked. Since they never got too choked up about their own arrears, you wouldn’t expect them to get riled about Uncle Sam’s. In fact, they aren’t. The scare talk about national debt is virtually all conservative cant. The Reps run up the bills when they’re in power and then bitch about them when the Dems take over. The problem is that the Dems crumple under such Rep cudgels. They could use some of those testosteronies, if you get my drift. Meanwhile, since I have you in my column, could you spot me 50 large?

Dear ITT Ideologist,

It’s been nitwittered about that you are abandoning analyses for apologetics? Is there any fat on that skinny?

–T.M. Zeal, Hollywood

Dear T,

I’ll never know how such drivel gets dispensed. The fact is that I was commissioned to knock off some signature tunes for this summer’s hottest ticket, the I Apologize Ecumenical World Tour starring Pope Benedict XVI and Tiger Woods with special guest appearance by Larry Craig and The Stance ¬© 2010.

I can’t say much more, as we’re in negotiations for world-wide rights, etc. However, I can give you a couple of titles to list in your media players so you can be among the first to enjoy them when they appear. There’s Kneel By Me, Bhudda Call, and Two for Tea Room.